


if i love him

by catalysis



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Nuisances to Lovers, Pining, so much pining in such a tiny package...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:08:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26565613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catalysis/pseuds/catalysis
Summary: “if you ask me if i love him, i’d lie”or: a series of questions yaku can’t answer--written for hqswiftweek
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Yaku Morisuke
Comments: 30
Kudos: 194





	if i love him

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by "I'd Lie" by tswift  
> also inspired by the absolute tension btwn you and your friend you shared a mutual hatred with when you met and now cannot stop making out with :/

One day, Yaku wakes up missing approximately fourteen brain cells, and in their place instead is this _thing_. He doesn’t even have the words to describe it and the way it consumes him. Maybe he would if he still had those damn brain cells. 

The thing is something like yearning, like wanting, like _aching_. And Yaku _hates_ it.

* * *

“Does Yaku-senpai have a crush on anyone?”

Yaku nearly chokes on his water. He sure hopes Lev enjoys doing receiving drills for the rest of the week—no, wait, rest of the _month_.

“Wait, are you blushing?” It’s Tora this time, and Yaku decides to put his bottle down for now.

Yaku drags the back of his hand across his mouth. “Shut up,” is all he can come up with over his thoughts of _yes I do, and it’s that idiot over there_.

“Yaku-senpai, that wasn’t a n—”

Yaku’s leg swings on instinct.

* * *

It’s like once he started noticing the little absolutely infuriating things Kuroo does, he simply cannot stop.

Yaku finds himself staring a lot more than he’ll ever admit to. He watches as Kuroo runs a hand through his hair and winces as his fingers catch on a bit of hardened gel. Yaku winces too because he still can’t believe that this is his type.

Sometimes though, it makes a little more sense. Yaku feels his heart pound every time Kuroo gets that ugly smirk on his face and feels his fingers itch as he watches Kuroo loosen his tie after school. It’s unsettling and annoying and Yaku is _miserable_.

* * *

“How do you feel about Kuro?”

Yaku looks up at the quiet voice and nearly flinches at the uncharacteristic intensity in Kenma’s eyes. 

Of course it’d be Kenma who’d notice first. Kenma who sees everything but only cares about certain things. And of course one of those things just had to be Kuroo Tetsurou. 

Now, Yaku could be honest with Kenma and say _well I might be half in love with him but let’s not unpack that right now_ , but that would require him first being honest with himself. And unfortunately, Yaku is still holding out hope that this is just a weirdly specific phase and that he’ll get over it. Preferably soon. Or at least before he does something stupid like confess.

Yaku decides that feigning ignorance is his best play here. “Uh. What do you mean?” Once it’s out of his mouth, it sounds incredibly weak, but he can’t take it back now.

Kenma stares at him for a long moment before turning away. “Nevermind.”

* * *

Yaku has begrudgingly accepted the fact that he finds Kuroo aesthetically attractive. He sure as hell isn’t happy about it, but he’s resigned himself to this fate. 

But what he can’t quite understand is why he’s emotionally and… dare he say it? _Romantically_ attracted to Kuroo. The rooster-haired bastard is annoying and infuriating… and caring and witty and— Yaku’s head _thunks_ against his desk. He hates that he’s like this.

“Yaku-san?” the teacher asks.

Yaku sighs and raises his head and pointedly ignores Kuroo’s snickers to his right.

* * *

“When are you going to tell him?”

Yaku freezes. He looks over to where Kai’s sitting in his desk chair. They were studying, but now they’re just making awkward eye contact. 

Yaku blinks first. “When am I gonna tell who what?” He sure hopes Kai can’t hear how shaky his voice is from holding back a _I want to so, so badly, but how could I?_

But, Kai is Kai, so of course he notices. He stares, unimpressed and raises an eyebrow. “He's not as oblivious as you think.”

Yaku snaps his gaze back down to his textbook before Kai can call him on the blush staining his cheeks. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

* * *

So they don’t win at nationals. But the fact that they made it there is pretty amazing. Or at least that’s what he has to tell himself.

He sees some of the team (Lev, Inuoka, Tora) already raring to go even further next year through their tears. And he sees Kenma and Kai, perfectly stoic, as usual, anchoring the team. 

And then he sees Kuroo. Kuroo and his stupid face doing that stupid thing it does when he’s upset but won’t let you know it. And Yaku can’t stand it.

“Kuroo,” he calls before he can think better of it. He nods toward the hall when Kuroo looks over.

* * *

“What’s up?”

There are so many things Yaku could say, but none of them quite seem to fit.

“You’re a good captain,” Yaku finally says.

“Ohohoho?” Kuroo grins, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. _If I’m such a good captain, then why did we lose?_ is written all over his face. It’s a dumb question, and Yaku would throttle him if he wasn’t trying to make a different point.

So Yaku ignores him and takes a deep breath. “You’re a good captain. And we’re a good team. You don’t have to keep it all in… We’re here for you.” _I’m here for you_.

Kuroo stares at him, his expression unreadable. He blinks once, twice, before reaching out to ruffle Yaku’s hair. “That’s really cute Yakkun. Thanks.”

Yaku elbows Kuroo in the ribs in response and nearly lets out a sigh of relief that he didn’t make it too weird.

* * *

Graduation day comes sooner than any of them expect.

It’s strange to imagine his life with no more English class with Hiroda-sensei, or lunch with Kuroo and Kai, or practice with the team. He wonders how long it’ll take to stop missing this place. How long it’ll take for the memories to be only sweet and not bitter.

He, Kuroo, and Kai are just meandering through the streets they’ve grown familiar with these past three years. Kuroo and Kai probably won’t miss it too badly, seeing as they’re both heading to Todai, but Yaku’s going just a little tiny bit further away.

They’d shooed their kouhai off hours ago, so when Kai heads off to have dinner with his family, Yaku is left alone with Kuroo.

* * *

“Are you gonna miss me?”

It’s innocuous, but when Yaku looks over into Kuroo’s gray eyes, he sees a harder question there. It would be so easy to turn this into a cheesy rom-com moment. The moon is full, the wind is lightly mussing Kuroo’s ungelled hair, they’re on a quiet part of the street, and the answer ( _yes, yes, yes_ ) clings to Yaku’s tongue.

But life isn’t a movie, is it? Yaku remembers the contract sitting in his email and the half packed suitcases sitting on his floor and swallows his worthless promises. 

“What gave you that idea?” Yaku finally chokes out. He looks away but not before catching disappointment bloom on Kuroo’s face.

He feels bad, but not enough to change his answer. It hurts so much less to miss someone you never had.

* * *

Russia’s not bad, all things considered. Sure it’s cold, the food’s a bit strange, and he has to use his mediocre English, but his teammates are nice enough.

Yaku learns to rely on his new team and they, in turn, learn to rely on him. But it isn’t the same. It could never be the same. Yaku doesn’t think that anything could ever compare to how playing with the rest of Nekoma made him feel.

He misses them all so much. But maybe, just maybe, he misses Kuroo the most.

* * *

“Who is he?”

Yaku glances down at his phone. It wasn’t locked like he thought it was. His lock screen is the Nekoma team picture from his third year, which he’s more than happy to show off. But his home screen is the last picture he took with Kuroo before he left for Russia.

It’s a dumb picture, overall. It was taken under shitty airport fluorescents, Kuroo’s resting an elbow on his head, and Kai had been laughing too hard at their expressions to hold the phone still. It’s dumb, but Yaku can’t bear to change it.

“A friend,” Yaku says quietly.

* * *

Yaku slowly adjusts to living in a whole different country. He picks up a little bit of Russian, he learns to like borscht, he stops doing the awkward head-bow thing whenever he sees someone. Okay maybe he’s still working on that last one. 

But something he’ll never get used to is how much he misses everyone back home. His parents, his friends, and of course, a certain former captain of his. 

They text a lot more than Yaku was expecting, honestly, and he doesn’t know if it makes it worse or better. It’s sweet to see the little “good morning” texts that he knows Kuroo sends while he’s already in class. It’s sweet to hear about home from the one person who’d started to feel like it.

Most of the times it’s sweet, but sometimes, Yaku can’t get the bitter pill of longing off his tongue.

* * *

“Do you love him?”

 _Yes. Yes. Of course I do_. Yaku flops back onto his bed and sighs into the phone. 

Even though Kai can’t see it, Yaku pulls on a perfect grin. “Why would I go and do something like that?”

* * *

Overall, it’s a long eight months. The holidays are almost here and Yaku can’t wait to finally go back home.

He can’t wait to be back in Tokyo where it’s a whole 20 degrees warmer, at least according to his weather app. As he gets closer to his apartment building, he nearly sighs dreamily at the memory of his family’s kotatsu, but refrains because he doesn’t know if the three other people on the sidewalk would appreciate that.

“Hey!” he hears from behind him. And Yaku sighs because he knew it was only a matter of time before he got mugged.

“Yaku!” And huh, it’s strange that a mugger knows his name. But that voice sounds familiar… 

He turns around and sees a face he’d missed more than he’ll ever admit. “Kuroo?”

Kuroo’s obviously not from the area, evidenced by his lack of layers and general shivering. But in spite of the way he’s trying to shrink into his coat and the bright red flush on his cheeks, he’s still giving Yaku that stupid grin.

“What are you doing here?” Yaku asks the obvious question.

Kuroo steers them to the side of the pavement so they’re not in the way, his gloved hand firm on Yaku’s arm. Yaku shivers for a reason completely unrelated to the cold.

Kuroo opens his mouth to respond and from the dumb look on his face, Yaku already knows he’s going to say something like _Sightseeing_.

Yaku sighs and cuts him off. “Wait, let’s at least get inside before you freeze to death.” He ignores Kuroo’s squawked denial.

Yaku’s apartment is pretty small, but it’s still bigger than he knows what to do with. There are little knick knacks everywhere, but it’s nearly immaculate otherwise. Now that Kuroo’s here, it feels so much smaller. Not in a bad way; cozy, maybe.

“What are you really doing here Kuroo?” Yaku asks as he shrugs off his coat.

Kuroo leans in just a bit closer and Yaku can just barely make out the familiar mingled scent of his stupid hair gel and his stupid cologne. Kuroo.

“I missed you,” Kuroo says, “I wanted to see you.” 

“Kuroo—” Yaku starts because what kind of answer is that? Yaku misses him every damn day but he doesn’t up and leave the country and—

“I love you.” It’s a confession said with all the certainty Yaku could never muster himself.

It’s a confession but not a question. Yaku knows that Kuroo said it without any expectation of an answer. 

Yaku gives him one anyways.

**Author's Note:**

> ..i just think there’s romance in having distance soften your edges…...  
> (so, no kuroo couldn't wait for yaku to come back to tokyo. it's the Romance, y'know?)
> 
> let's be friends on [twitter](https://twitter.com/nyamayachi) :)


End file.
